It rained the enitre day today and I was overly hyper throughout lol running in and out (into the balcony). Perhaps its something in the air, rainy days, which look gloomy and depressing seem to have the exact opposite effect on people in this particular part of the world. Oh well, there's also the fact that we got a well needed break from the heat streak.

The picture came out so amazing, like someone uncorked a cloud genie outta the bottle in the far west near the horizon:)

After a long long time, we got into a serious discussion of the sort where even though it was convenient for me to keep quiet and say nothing, I felt compelled to say exactly what was on my mind and drive my point home. Though still not quite...

I was telling him that there is nothing such as unconditional love, that if certain ideals that people uphold in their minds are unmet, and certain conditions unfulfilled, people will leave their partners and move on. Kind of like deal breakers. So where is this unconditional love that we all dream of? And I kept saying I think it doesn't exist. And it all came down to him getting a tad bit insecure and asking if I had thoroughly thought everything through to make sure  he was The One. And I just said I guess...*sighs*

I don't know why soo soo many times we dont say exactly what we want to...maybe we don't want to take the risk of everything going topsy turvy after the truth has escaped the safe haven of our minds...I know where all this crazy "unconditional-love-doesn't-exist" talk was coming from..there is always this deeply embedded fear in my mind, that like all women in our society, I too will be the target of the double standards our culture, where women sacrifice endlessly, they compromise on little and big things, they give up their lives, careers, preferences, whims, in short all of themselves, for the one man in their lives. And so many times, this sacrifice is never ever accounted for, and the minute something happens, something goes wrong, or just simply because the man gets bored, he disregards all that this woman has done for him, and walks out, or cheats, or worse, starts taking her for granted. Maybe its not that simple, maybe both parties stand culprit, but from where I see it, the one party with the most lost, is surely the woman. So being a girl, being brought up on classical, even though sometimes tragic, tales of neverending Love, we dream of hypothetical scenarios, where the hero chooses us and our love over everything else in the world..When he truly, really, actually means it when he says, "I will Love you, no matter what". Cuz the truth is, in our culture, we will Love them no matter what, or maybe, like in so many cases, we will not have a choice. So why not have them tell you that they will be there for you, love you and cherish you, even when you fail to meet their expectations..not a lot to ask I'd say..

I started re-reading Where Rainbows End, by Cecilia Ahern, one of the best written most touching, adorably believable novels I have read:). I am so hugely jealous of the bond the two best friends in the book have, that I so need to rant about how I feel right now, to this empty space on my screen to the great big emptiness that lies beyond it. 

 You know how you crave that really special bond with someone, you start imagining you have it? I think I've done just that...For all this fighting and not being on the same page about so so so so many things, its not easy. Isn't this supposed to be easy? Being each other's 'soulmate', the one person in the world that is supposed to get you? Expect not more of you than you can give, and yet bring out the best in you at the same time? Aren't they supposed to like you when you don't measure up? Isn't that stupid four letter word of a thing called "love" supposed to be unconditional? Do I have to be the person he wants me to be in order for him to be less hurt that I don't care about his "expectations" and like me? Aren't these expectations just another form of controlling another person, trying to mould them into someone you really needed them to be in the first place. And if i weren't doing the same thing, expecting him to  be nicer, more open hearted, more "unexpecting", I wouldn't be whinging. Thats the possible delusion I am talking about. God. Is this it? A delusion we have both made up? I'm hoping not. But if we end up disappointing each other so many times, that's all this relationship will be- a long string of disappointments in retrospect. I try, my dearest empty space,  I really do, but even then...

P.S- As a more cheerful after-thought, I bought two adorable pairs of shoes today:) One of them(pink) on discount:O 60%:O:D!

Time: 5 am

Currently been doing: Absolutely nothing but staring into my screen...

Today is one of my "almost-sliding-into depression" days. I'm keeping a mood diary today onwards too-to see if I really am bipolar, cuz really all this being sad for no reason at all is not fun. So all I have to do is keep myself occupied to prevent myself from the sobbing, neurotic thing that I end up becoming for absolutely no sensible reason.

Today was a fairly good day, started well and I made yummy creamy pasta. And our relationship is on one of the "peaks" after such a long lull that it really really feels great. And that feeling made me think about how one could describe how being in love really feels. And here's what I think: -

A high, the way you feel obsessed about one person and only one like nothing in the whole world has any significance. How hard you fall and how much pleasure that fall gives you, till you hit the rocks that is lol…Being in love feels like you want to be with one person, you wish you could crawl inside their head and see their thoughts and feelings and dreams, you wish its you their head is full of, you wish you could do something to make all their dreams come true, to make them the happiest person in the world. Your head is inevitably full of them every waking and sometimes even some sleeping hour of the day. You want to be close to them all the time, and sometimes physical closeness does nothing to placate you, you feel like you want to crawl into their skin so that your souls mesh together and become one. And sometimes just the companionable silence when you are with them, is enough of a luxury you would happily savor for the rest of your life…

Though I have my own personal "love confession". I sometimes find it hard to look into his eyes, as strange as that sounds. Maybe cuz I am scared, to give away too much, scared to allow him to fathom the depth of my feelings or how much more I want. Weirdly it is one thing I can never confess to anyone I know. They're the strangest and probably the most embarrassing feelings that I've ever let myself consciously experience for another person and somehow it feels that if you do let the other person know, then they might take unfair advantage of how "into" them you are…*sighs* Gosh this "love" business is surely very very crazy stuff!

But what I really do not know yet is how the nature of this love changes as things progress. I could possibly ask my married friends but that is waaay to scary an option, cuz they'd probably say what you absolutely do not want to believe. Like fairies never existed, I know they'll probably tell me that the feeling dies or gets replaced with other more important things that you need to worry about in you day to day life…but a life without that feeling of love, its kind of very scary a thought.. I read this quote once and it was so true, probably something I will one day put up in my bedroom as a reminder, "Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new." (Ursula K. Le Guin) maybe there is an art to doing it….maybe you just have to be open to the idea that love CAN last. After all isn't it the one thing that they say outlives us? And yet we see all this heartbreak and pain…and it makes you wonder….

"There is only one serious question ... how to make love stay" – Tom Robbins

Destiny...people talk about it all the time. Somethings are just meant to be and all that. Some people are devout believers and yet some stick to their grounds of cynicism and doubt that the new age has inevitably brought upon us. I don't really know or get why cynism has bred into us like the worst kind of plague or virus possible, but I sure know that its here and possibly going to stay for a long time. Perhaps its the savagery, that man inflicts upon man every ticking minute that surrounds us that promts such contempt and resentment. It makes more sense, I suppose, to not believe in more far fetched things when you don't know if you trust your very neighbour or the man standing next to you in a crowd. I don't blame us. We are thinking beings and the only instinct that REALLY makes us the same at the basic level is survival, or maybe if we excluded the sucidal.

Coming back to destiny, and being both amusingly confused AND cynical myself, I don't get what its all about. If something is meant to be, and it just inevitably our fate as you would put it, then whats in our hand. And if the choices lead us to our destiny then really our destiny is not quite destiny its just the consequences of all the choices we make. Our lives are they total sum of the small and big choices we make along the way really aren't they? And yet the D word... yes I believe as my faith suggests that somethings are prefixed. Like birth, marriage and death times and these you can't change or mess with. That kind of destiny I can understand, however the kind we encounter in movies and books, where we hear or read about "signs" is beyond me. Who's to say what one considers a "sign" is merely just a delusion, maybe a yearning for the extraordinary, a figment of the imagination, in a world of much dreariness. Well, such matters remain unresolved. Who's a silly 21 year old blogging at 4:00 am to conclude debates that have been nagging human minds for aeons. Lol no sireee!

The reason that I really was thinking about all this destiny and choice stuff was I believe I have done very little "choosing" in my life. Always been the happy-go-lucky person I just turned where life took me. And no I am not refuting my stance as a cynic and saying its all just destiny, I just never consciously thought about it. And now as I reflect back on my life so far, where sometimes I have been content with where I have been taken and at others not so much, I know that its about time to decide which side of the fence I want to be on. Whether I should find contentment and let life take its course, destiny to make me see my path or actively make choices and fight for these choices till I drop dead. The latter of course is way more glamourous and is the kind you could right books about, but only easier said than done. I see so many around me surrender their fates into God's hands as they put it.. give up on dreams, drop hopes..but I wonder, if God really wants us to do so. If he really wants us give up just like that. *sigh* I don't think so. I think he's made us strong, given us talents and gifts so that we can put them to use, improve the world, make it a better place, by means that we can best employ. Help the world in ways that allow us to manifest these talents and gifts best. How else does anything make sense...?

*sighs* The cursed thinkers.I have so many thoughts that I can't count how many threads of thoughts are active in my head at any given time. My brain works way fast for me and after getting over my long long bout of laziness, this blog seems like such heaven. Atleast I am able to pin some of these threads down as coherent, sensible sentences. Such joy...

Its 6:30 am and I havent gotten a wink of sleep all night. Part boredom, part fury. Yes, fury, hurt, blah blah blah. I read this amazing thing today, the cynics say that the most significant quality of humans is their ability to be inhumane. How many times do we treat those we love savagely? How many times do we realize it? Well ofcourse, you certainly do realize it if you tend to be on the recieving end of it. And more hurt to come if the person just wouldnt realize how badly they have hurt you with their scathing words.

I understand anger, I too have been a shameful victim to its traps. You know, the getting angry, really angry at someone for wronging you, saying all the most inappropriate things you could possibly manage to think up, revealing your most vulnerable savage hateable side, and all that.. and then in the end apologizing, damage control. But without damage control, the whole cycle is wrong, immoral, unbearable. So obviously I'm going to feel all this humiliation, anger, sadness, hurt, everything until the damage control squad realizes there is work to be done. I mean if someone fails to admit what they have done is wrong, they just imply that all they have said and done was totally what the other person deserved, and worse , that they meant every single word that was thrown at them in the ambush.

Apart from being infinitely frustrated, I have been feeling indefinitely bored these days. The summers have started and I have no freakin clue what I will do for the next three months. I mean okay you can while away a month doing nothing at max, and its even bearable, considering you know that the time is limited and you can only enjoy the luxuries of not waking up early in the mornings for so many days. But two months too many is definitely a curse. Especially if you have no viable plans. What with the horrible condition of the country and the city there is hardly any scope for such plans and thus being home and staring at my walls, three white and one pink, remains my only plausible option *sigh*

I've been thinking about writing, like seriously writing or taking up sewing lol which is sure going to please my Mum a hell lot. Or both. Which is only possible when I am done having a fight with her. Seems like my social life or rather interpersonal life has taken a bad blow lately. Not good when you've got tonnes of time to mull over every little detail of every little argument. Anyway I'd better try and get some sleep and not become the insomniac I am in such imminent danger of ending up to be.

Still waiting for damage control.Toodles.

I dont believe i did this...the craziest thing i could've ever imagined doing..i broke a friends heart..cuz there was no other possible way around it...morally, ethically, i was forced to break his heart...n now its driving me insane...the guilt and sadness..as well as the stark truth that i've realized, ive just lost a friend....and ive hurt someone in a way i couldnt hav imagined doing...*sigh* why does life hav to be so complicated:(

Its been one of those days, when there was so much going on in my head and so much i wanted to say and tell but no one to say it all to. Partly because no one was available and mostly because even if I did tell them they would think I've lost my marbles..each and every one of them (my marbles! lol). *Sigh* so I decided to work upon an idea I had thought about previously but did not implement mainly owing to my laziness- An anonymous Blog...u know the kinda place where you don't have a fear of being judged by the piercing disapproving eyes of your loved ones...where ppl who agree make u happy, those who dont well, that cant possibly bother you lol and if no one reads it..atleast you've gotten it out of your system and thats probably enough to be thankful about... Coming down to my thoughts..(and i'm kinda loving the name of my blog) its the usual everyday kinda things that run through my head...the desire to escape from this crazy jungle of a big city that i live in, to travel the world, to discover more about life and people in these mysterious new places that i want to see...and yet fearing that i might not be able to achieve any of this at all...we'll come to the reason why later but yes that is one of my biggest fears in life...also apart from these secret dreams of being more or less a gypsy, i aspire to become a writer one day and i feel , personally that to be one i have to see places, do things, meet people and know enough about the world, in other words expand my horizons..have more life experience...so its more or less dependant on my first dream...n these r all i think my goals in life amount to...and yet there are hurdles mainly in the shape of people i love and care about that scare me..that might limit me to this horrible suffocating place that i live in right now...not that its such a bad place to live after all...but i think it offers very little opportunities for one to explore and gives you absolutely no closeness with nature, also the daily hassles of living in a big city and belonging to a middle-class family tend to, at the end of the day, sedate all your creative instincts...its insane...i don't want to sound like a snob now..but its what i feel and have been going thru for the last 8 years of being here...i completely loathe this place and i dun't know how in God's name am i going to like being here and spend forever living here..i dont want to choose between the ppl i love and between my dreams and passions...its not a fair choice because they're both an equally important part of who you are..and yet, at this point they seem completely divergent...and feel completely and utterly lost as to what i should do....what if either path i choose dissapoints me? what if giving up one for the other turns out to be completely worthless in the end? and what if, if i follow thru wid my relationships and my resentment for giving up my dreams ends up alienating those i love? its so many more questions like these that float through my head every single day...*sigh* ....i jus read two beautiful quotes by Coelho, whose work im obsessed with reading lately ....

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream. "

 "True love allows each person to follow his or her own path, aware that doing so can never drive them apart." (Brida)

Now there's some well needed encouragement...well lets just hope that my path leads me towards my dreams and does not require me to lose ppl i care about...Amen.